It's a sunny day in Poulsbo, Washington. Figures that all summer, it would rain, then when it came time to be inside 70 percent of the day, the weather turns gorgeous. But it's ok, I get to work outside at the pumpkin patch today.
This is my favorite kind of weather at this point in my life. Really brisk...cold enough to wear thick wool socks and a peacoat, but not a cloud in the sky. Mmmm, Autumn =)
There are quite a few things going on in my life right now.
Side note: I imagine not very many people read this, so I'm just going to treat it as kind of an online journal, sans most of the really personal stuff that I'll save for my paper journal.
First, the worst of the news, because I want to end this blog on a good note.
I wouldn't say it's bad news. Maybe...hard. Yeah. Hard.
This morning definitely confirmed, through my *BIC Joey, that I am about to go through an intense season of surrender (if I'm not already in it). Surrender is never easy, so it kind of sucks, but it's a good thing. He (Joey) said something really good this morning: "You can't be free unless you want to be free."
Or something along those lines. But hopefully soon, I will have a great story to tell about how I have been delivered through my own personal surrender.
(Side note: there's this book in Barnes and Noble, a biblical name book. It has the spiritual connotation for each name. I found my name, and my spiritual connotation = "Delivered")
GOOD NEWS.
I have been blessed with a job. Just for the month of October (it's at a pumpkin patch) but that's enough to save up money to buy a new laptop! Which I needed for school. Really badly.
Until then, I'm borrowing Joey's laptop. What a freaking blessing! =)
Also, Mason.
=)
That's all!
TERMINATION OF BLOG.
*BIC = Brother in Christ.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Emetophobia
If you don't know what it is, you could either keep reading or look it up on google.
Essentially I suffer from a fear of throwing up. Or, more generally speaking, any stomach illness.
It started before I can remember, and it's been with me for (as far as I know) my entire life. Every year, it festers and gets worse, the wound becoming deeper, the chains becoming heavier, the rock becoming bigger, whatever metaphor you'd like to use.
As you can imagine, after 17 years of suffering with fear, becoming a slave to my phobia...17 years of OCD rituals, obsession over immunity boosters, anti-nausea meds and pepto-bismol....17 years of cycling through feeling sick>anxiety>sick feeling from anxiety>feeling sick>anxiety (etc), 17 years of skipping weddings, work days, birthday parties, family gatherings and large events of the sort...17 YEARS of having the common bout of a little bit of nausea and letting it control me to the point where I wouldn't eat for days afterwards....after 17 years,
I'm done.
I've been thinking about this for a while now.
But yesterday and last night, I was cycling again and I went to sleep with nothing but pepto-bismol in my stomach. This morning I woke up still feeling sick, downed another dose of pepto and had yet another panic attack. I went downstairs and started listening to worship music.
And then it hit.
The fighting back.
Yes, I had been praying for strength to do this and it has finally come.
I said out loud, "No. In the name of Jesus, you will not take control of me anymore. I'm not sick. God is stronger than you. And he is by my side."
I am tired of giving in to the fear.
I will take every single thought captive and MAKE it obedient to Christ.
(2 Corinthians 10:5)
I will not let this control me anymore.
Christ is the leader of my life, Christ is who I answer to.
Not emetophobia.
Not anxiety.
Not panic attacks.
Christ lives in me.
The same power that conquered the grave lives in me, and I don't have to be afraid anymore because the biggest hero in the history of our universe is fighting on my side.
Thank you Jesus.
Essentially I suffer from a fear of throwing up. Or, more generally speaking, any stomach illness.
It started before I can remember, and it's been with me for (as far as I know) my entire life. Every year, it festers and gets worse, the wound becoming deeper, the chains becoming heavier, the rock becoming bigger, whatever metaphor you'd like to use.
As you can imagine, after 17 years of suffering with fear, becoming a slave to my phobia...17 years of OCD rituals, obsession over immunity boosters, anti-nausea meds and pepto-bismol....17 years of cycling through feeling sick>anxiety>sick feeling from anxiety>feeling sick>anxiety (etc), 17 years of skipping weddings, work days, birthday parties, family gatherings and large events of the sort...17 YEARS of having the common bout of a little bit of nausea and letting it control me to the point where I wouldn't eat for days afterwards....after 17 years,
I'm done.
I've been thinking about this for a while now.
But yesterday and last night, I was cycling again and I went to sleep with nothing but pepto-bismol in my stomach. This morning I woke up still feeling sick, downed another dose of pepto and had yet another panic attack. I went downstairs and started listening to worship music.
And then it hit.
The fighting back.
Yes, I had been praying for strength to do this and it has finally come.
I said out loud, "No. In the name of Jesus, you will not take control of me anymore. I'm not sick. God is stronger than you. And he is by my side."
I am tired of giving in to the fear.
I will take every single thought captive and MAKE it obedient to Christ.
(2 Corinthians 10:5)
I will not let this control me anymore.
Christ is the leader of my life, Christ is who I answer to.
Not emetophobia.
Not anxiety.
Not panic attacks.
Christ lives in me.
The same power that conquered the grave lives in me, and I don't have to be afraid anymore because the biggest hero in the history of our universe is fighting on my side.
Thank you Jesus.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
huh.
Things have been taking unexpected new turns lately.
I'm learning to love people, being humiliated by the fact that I'm not perfect (as always), and starting to wear scarves again as the seasons are (physically) changing.
It's senior year and everything around me is either crumbling into a superfine dust...
or flourishing beautifully.
Some people say this is one of the most trying and confusing times of one's life, and at this point I can't say I disagree.
If I were in 8th grade again, trying to picture what my life would be like at this point, it would not be this. Who knew I would be a Christian, or have an extremely close Catholic friend, or be dating a boy like Mason? Who knew I would learn to love the PacNW, or be graduating from an international high school, or even live in this house, battling spiders every friggin day?
It's all very interesting.
On that note, I will sign off.
I'm learning to love people, being humiliated by the fact that I'm not perfect (as always), and starting to wear scarves again as the seasons are (physically) changing.
It's senior year and everything around me is either crumbling into a superfine dust...
or flourishing beautifully.
Some people say this is one of the most trying and confusing times of one's life, and at this point I can't say I disagree.
If I were in 8th grade again, trying to picture what my life would be like at this point, it would not be this. Who knew I would be a Christian, or have an extremely close Catholic friend, or be dating a boy like Mason? Who knew I would learn to love the PacNW, or be graduating from an international high school, or even live in this house, battling spiders every friggin day?
It's all very interesting.
On that note, I will sign off.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
found this gem =]
Malachi 3:3 says:
‘He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.’
This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.
One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.
That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn’t mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining Silver.
As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up.
He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.
The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says:
‘He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.’
She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined.
The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.
The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, ‘How do you know when the silver is fully refined?’
He smiled at her and answered, ‘Oh, that’s easy —when I see my image in it.’
If today you are feeling the heat of the fire , remember that God has his eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.
‘He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.’
This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.
One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.
That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn’t mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining Silver.
As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up.
He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.
The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says:
‘He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.’
She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined.
The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.
The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, ‘How do you know when the silver is fully refined?’
He smiled at her and answered, ‘Oh, that’s easy —when I see my image in it.’
If today you are feeling the heat of the fire , remember that God has his eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.
Monday, July 18, 2011
dude...watch this.
It's one of those "hard to swallow" sermons because we all so wish that God would never allow pain into our lives, or really anything else that doesn't qualify as "good".
This guy breaks it down.
Ten Ways to Find Your Idols.
1. What do I worry about most?
2. What, if I failed or lost it, would cause me to feel that I did not even want to live?
3. What do I use to comfort myself when things go bad or get difficult?
4. What do I do to cope? What are my release valves? What do I do to feel better?
5. What preoccupies me? What do I daydream about?
6. What makes me feel the most self-worth? Of what am I the proudest? For what do I want to be known?
7. What do I lead with in conversations?
8. Early on what do I want to make sure that people know about me?
9. What prayer, unanswered, would make me seriously think about turning away from God?
10. What do I really want and expect out of life? What would really make me happy?
11. What is my hope for the future?
2. What, if I failed or lost it, would cause me to feel that I did not even want to live?
3. What do I use to comfort myself when things go bad or get difficult?
4. What do I do to cope? What are my release valves? What do I do to feel better?
5. What preoccupies me? What do I daydream about?
6. What makes me feel the most self-worth? Of what am I the proudest? For what do I want to be known?
7. What do I lead with in conversations?
8. Early on what do I want to make sure that people know about me?
9. What prayer, unanswered, would make me seriously think about turning away from God?
10. What do I really want and expect out of life? What would really make me happy?
11. What is my hope for the future?
By David Powlison, taken from The Resurgence.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
a real woman...
trusts God, not her emotions.
follows God, not her emotions.
WHY IS THIS HARDER THAN IT SOUNDS.
Ah, the journey...
God, you're so patient with me.
follows God, not her emotions.
WHY IS THIS HARDER THAN IT SOUNDS.
Ah, the journey...
God, you're so patient with me.
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